Ahh, the bad boy. That fusion of raw sex appeal and excitement coupled with an unwavering ability to disappear in and out of our lives at will.
I know I’m going to cop some flack here but try to resist the urge launch into feminist arm flailing. In general women secretly (and not so secretly) love a bad boy. There. I said it.
You know the guy, he comes in many forms. He used to be the Harley riding James Dean and that play- it- cool cowboy in vintage Marlboro poster ads; detached and from the wrong side of town. Now he’s swopped horses for horsepower and is more player than “plays it cool” but he’s still the same guy. Non-committal and sexy as hell.
I challenge anyone who says they’ve never been burnt by one.
The bad boy demands instant attention. In fact so much of it that we’ve missed out on “the one” a million times over; yet we insist on moaning about the lack of decent men in the world. Little did we realise, as we were raging at the bad boy in an overcrowded coffee shop, the love of our life was shaking his head in disbelief as he tried to have his soy cap in peace.
I’ll call this guy who keeps losing out, Mr. Caring Communicative Man. He’s an alien creature who accepts us for who we are, wobbly bits n all. In a world of Tinder and booty calls these genuinely nice guys are being washed out to sea with the tsunami of Neanderthals that are flooding the dating scene and programming women to, dare I say it, settle.
We’re so used to being ignored and mis understood that when Mr. CCM sits us down and says, “Babe, we really need to talk”, there’s a natural urge to laugh in his face and then rampage round the house looking for hidden cameras planted by producers of “The World’s Dumbest Women.”
I mean he just can’t win. If he rings when he says he will, we question whether he has any friends or hobbies. If flowers turn up at work: Yep got trashed with a bunch of strippers last night. When professing his undying love: Yep got trashed with a bunch of strippers last night. When remembering your Mum’s birthday: yep you guessed it. Pesky strippers.
It’s very derailing for women when men are nice.
We feel more at ease with the world when obsessively checking phones for missed calls or texts, (or battery life and that it’s not accidentally put itself on silent, as so many phones do these days.) We feel normal eating kilos of Ben and Jerrys and weeping down the phone to our besties. That’s what we do. That’s what modern dating is right? I mean Bridget Jones wasn’t a mythical construct people.
You can try and deny it all you like but the bottom line is we seem to revel in pain and strangely thrive on it. Oh, and I’m not just talking about the slight twinge of annoyance we may muster up when CCM hasn’t done the promised backlog of dishes, I’m talking “need to take a month off work” pain. The agonising sting of betrayal when bad boy still has his Facebook status set to single and we thought we’d at least climbed the ranks to, “it’s complicated.” It’s been a year after all.
On face value it makes no sense. Say for example these two types of guy were bananas. CCM is that perfect shape and taste and looks delightful in a fruit salad served with cream. The bad boy is that overripe mottled one with flies buzzing around the bruised flesh. What sane women would go-“Yum I’ll have that mushy gross banana; what a delectable treat! Who cares if I get a touch of gastroenteritis?”
I wonder why this addiction is so powerful. Is it because it keeps us connected to our feelings? Maybe it keeps us connected to our friends in solidarity? It’s a ridiculous paradox. We want that guy that can admit he’s in a relationship with us, who’s thoughtful and sensitive, who kisses our forehead and plans for the future but when it seems within reach, we freak out, we sabotage it or simply lose interest. Why??
After my brain nearly exploded trying to figure this out once and for all, I came up with these possibilities that perhaps mean Mr CCM keeps coming in second:
Nature vs. Nurture
Women love to nurture. It’s in our genes. The bad boy needs fixing more than any other, not only do we sniff that out quickly but we believe we’re the ones for the job. With continued love and support we’ll be the ones they can never do without. The CCM doesn’t need to be saved.
Female commitment- phobes
Yes, there are a few. And this sees us running for the hills when the CCM comes along. Yes we want what they are offering but we are scared. There’s nothing to fear with the bad boy as he won’t ever allow us to get that close. Problem solved.
We love a bad boy because we love risk, challenge and excitement. For some reason, our brains tell us that these qualities are only found in a guy that resembles a Neanderthal. The CCM seems too stable. Maybe he highlights the part of us that isn’t.
We like an element of control in our lives, which is ironic as that’s the last thing you’ll get with the bad boy. However, nice guys are often misrepresented as too compromising. Sometimes they become doormats due to a fear of confronting his arch nemesis the BB. Having little boundaries often results in lack of respect from women.
Think bad boy and I’m nearly 100percent certain you’re thinking tall, dark, moody, eyes you get lost in and luscious lashes that glue you to his soul. He probably drives a Mustang or a bike. He probably doesn’t ride the said bike with a helmet either. Because they have been overly blessed in the looks department means they get away with far more than they should.
So what’s the solution here?
I’m not going to lie; the CCM has a tough job ahead of him. He has to compete with arrogant idiots that show off their love prowess like a peacock cockily displaying his colourful tail feathers, and also women, who say one thing and do another and then slump to the floor in a confused mess.
One thing’s for sure, women need to take partial responsibility for the direction modern dating is headed. We need to take back our respect and our boundaries and realise we can have it all in a man. Let’s not elevate the bad boy to a status he’s achieved by bad behaviour and rock hard abs. We deserve kindness and morality as much as we crave adventure, attraction and spontaneity. It’s up to us to rid the world of the CCMs evil counterpart.
The CCM is enough as he is and we should show him.
©Katy Moore 2017