“Good men don’t exist anymore…”
Sound familiar? If you haven’t said it yourself, I’m willing to bet that someone you know has. This is the type of cliché that causes us women to avoid our true feelings and desires of real love. Our generation has become so focused on tricking ourselves into thinking that times have changed so much that chivalry, love, and romance no longer exist. However, I feel the real issue lies in our approach to pursuing true love. I’m calling it the ‘Chick Flick Theory’. Take a second and think about your favorite love stories, songs, and movies. Think about the characters, their actions, their emotions, and their relationships. I can’t speak for you, but I always find myself wanting to be the girl in the movie or thinking “why can’t something like that happen to me?” and I learned that I needed to accept that IT CAN happen for me. In my favorites, the actions shown are never unrealistic just unusual, for a lack of better words.
Now, just for the guys sake, I’ll say something that some women might want to debate me on and that is that so many of us women make it hard for a man to love us the way men in the movies do. As much as we may want to be the girl from the movie most of us are never willing to let our guard down or to trust with our broken hearts like she does. We possess this mentality that all men are the same and practice being an independent woman. Don’t get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with being an independent woman, but it shouldn’t come at the expense of you never letting the right person cater to your soul. God put woman on Earth to support the man–to love the man. When we aren’t willing to let love in, it shows. This, to me, is why it’s so easy for men to rebel against love. Yes ladies, we all know we’re smarter and more mature… but if we don’t lead the way they’ll never learn!
Nowadays, the focus on love seems to be revolved around the sex life, possibly making a meal or two, aesthetic appeal and ‘spoiling’ each other–and that’s if the two involved have a desire to find love at all! Not that these things aren’t a great attribute to a relationship, but is it enough? We forget to love with every bone in our body like the old days. To COMMIT not SUBMIT to our man. That means letting your guard down. Trusting genuinely. Communicating openly. Believing that somewhere a mother raised her son to respect women and taught him to be a good man. Having the hope and expectation to be swept off our feet. We should believe in love. The more I acknowledge my self-worth and essence the more I realize that if anyone deserves love… it most definitely better include me.
Let’s be clear, just because you’ve been in love does not mean you can’t fall in love again and that you shouldn’t hope to fall in love again. If we learn to truly love, I believe all the things we as women try to protect ourselves from (like heartbreak, dependency, and other fears) won’t be able to present themselves anyway. If we let our guard down, we’ll let the potential for love in. If we trust, we won’t snoop and find a reason to hurt our own hearts (seeing as how most times snooping is often misinterpreted). If we go back to the mindset that love does exist and respect ourselves enough to recognize that we DESERVE it, we won’t settle until we find it. It would only be a matter of time before it walks into our lives.
As always, everything goes back to loving ourselves. We have to be comfortable separating what is provided in our love for ourselves and what’s provided in the love we need from others–a significant other–and except that there is a difference. As much as I love myself, I’d be a bold-faced liar if I said I didn’t get lonely sometimes or get jealous of couples in love in the “screw you two for actually figuring it out” kind of way. Just as we shouldn’t come up with our ideal type of man to impair our judgment, we also shouldn’t come up with an ideal way to love. Meaning actions don’t automatically mean love. Just because I cook for him, sleep over and play house, or even that I’m his girlfriend doesn’t mean I’m loving him the way we both need me to love him. It also doesn’t mean that he’s doing for me what I need from him. I don’t know many men who would stop you from doing any of the previously mentioned, but it doesn’t mean he will do it for you. If we free our minds from those clichés and we truly walk in our natural lights and recognize the things we deserve, we won’t allow the wrong men in our life. We won’t give our heart away for nothing. We won’t believe that finding real love is not a realistic goal.
There’s a verse in one of my favorite Common songs, “The Light”, that describes my thoughts perfectly for this entry…
It’s important, we communicate
and tune the fate of this union, to the right pitch
I never call you my bitch or even my boo
There’s so much in a name and so much more in you
Few understand the union of woman and man
And sex and a tingle is where they assume that it land
But that’s fly by night for you and the sky I write
For in these cold Chi night’s moon, you my light
If heaven had a height, you would be that tall
Ghetto to coffee shop, through you I see that all
Let’s stick to understandin and we won’t fall
For better or worse times, I hope to me you call
So I pray everyday more than anything
friends we’ll stay as we begin to lay
this foundation for a family – love ain’t simple
Why can’t it be anything worth having you work at annually
Granted we known each other for some time
It don’t take a whole day to recognize sunshine
There are times.. when you’ll need someone..
I will be by your side, oh darling
There is a light, that shines,
special for you, and me..
I’m not giving up on love. As happy as I am with who I am, I can’t deny that happiness is nothing without someone to share it with. Here’s to the journey to finding love…