In my head, he was my man… but it was really just a situationship.
Whether you call it a “situationship”, an “understanding” or you’re really not sure what to call it… a labelless relationship is definitely one you should leave in 2018. Here are 8 things I wish I would’ve known before getting into situationship.
1. I wish I knew that the title actually does matter.
Very commonly is it said that “the title doesn’t matter”, but yes the hell it does. A situationship does nothing but leave room for misunderstandings, confusion, and ultimately, heartbreak. Here I am providing the best girlfriend qualities I possess just to be introduced as his ‘friend’ months after we had been involved. It was like a slap in the face. I didn’t do everything I did to and for him to be labeled as ‘just a friend.’
2. I wish I knew I was setting myself up for a failed relationship.
At the end of the day, I wasn’t hurting anyone but myself. And I had given him permission to hurt me, too. I say it all the time… “people get away with what you let them get away with.” By accepting a labelless relationship I was letting him know that he had permission to give me the bare minimum and I’d still treat him like the world; because to give me more would have definitely meant putting a label on what I thought we were building… a relationship.
3. I wish I knew I couldn’t be upset about the other women.
One of the worst parts about being in a situationship is the lack of clarity in commitment. Nothing frustrated me more than NOT being able to question him about outside relationships because when it all came down to the facts, I wasn’t his girlfriend. So, what gave me the right? Obviously, it took multiple arguments with him and my friends for me to realize exactly where I stood with him… nowhere.
4. I wish I was giving myself away too easily.
Pretty often had I read social media posts about ‘being a wife to a boyfriend,’ but I obviously hadn’t seen enough about being a girlfriend to a man who would never make you his girlfriend. Because of that, I suffered. I was giving my best self to a person who saw me as optional and temporary and that’s something I will never consciously do again.
5. I wish I knew if I was as important to him as I thought I was, he would have given me the title I deserved.
At this point, I know my worth and I’ll never make the mistake of letting a man dictate that for me again—unless he thinks more of me than I do, of course. It happens, ladies… I promise. When I did finally allow the reality of the situation to set in, I realized very quickly that I had sold myself short. I was painting a picture in my head that was so completely different than what was actually taking place. If he had truly wanted me, there would be no question in my mind about that.
6. I wish I knew I wouldn’t be able to give the next man I meet what he deserves because I’ve drained my resources dealing with you.
I’m exhausted emotionally because I’ve spent so much time dealing with you. I spent so much time being a girlfriend to him when I shouldn’t have. I spent so much time learning him so that I could be his person. I spent so much energy on him that I nearly lost myself. So now, I can’t give my best self to the person dealing with his aftermath, even if I wanted to. Thank God for knowing when you need to heal.
7. I wish I knew I obviously deserved better.
At the time, I was just like you. I thought I determined what I deserved… and because of that, I sold myself short—even without knowing it. If a future with me wasn’t what he wanted I should have immediately realized that I deserve to move on. Instead I chose to blind myself because I didn’t want to hurt my own feelings. I didn’t want to believe it. The signs were there, but I was truly in denial.
8. I wish I knew I shouldn’t blame him.
It wasn’t his fault. I needed to blame myself. I didn’t know then what I know now and because of that I gave him the wrong example of the way I wanted and deserved to be loved. He just followed my lead.
Read more original Goddess Column content from Isis on Thought Catalog.