“What the ****are you doing, Isis?”
–one of the absolute most difficult questions I’ve ever had to answer for myself, hands down. To be honest, I ask myself this question at least three times a week… and you know, the funny thing about it is, I have an answer to this question–a very good answer to this question–which really does the job when I need to lift my spirits and encourage myself. For the past few weeks though, it didn’t seem to work that way. My spirit was flustered. I lacked inspiration. I was getting upset about things–stupid things… and I could not for the life of me figure out what had changed in or around me to cause it. From the looks of it, things were relatively the same way they have been since the New Year, if not “better,” so I didn’t understand it. I tried taking the steps I’d usually take to break myself out of it, but even those tactics were no help. Once those efforts didn’t work, I became weak. I literally felt my light dimming. I wanted to be positive, but there was a serious force of energy around that would let me do no such thing. I couldn’t create. I felt stressed. I couldn’t eat. Everything was just off… Iike, no exaggeration y’all.. I literally woke up feeling 50lbs. heavier and pretty much like I was going to die. It was tragic and I couldn’t fix it. Nothing was working.
So yesterday afternoon, I decided to make another effort towards some healing. I recounted and wrote out all the key events of my life that had occurred since February (when the first key event of the new year had occurred for me) until now. I even added known future endeavors because I wanted to figure out exactly what was causing me to feel the way I felt. After I finished writing everything out and was unable to spot a particular ‘bad egg’, I took another approach to figuring things out by crossing out everything on the paper that did not reflect or contribute to my answer to the question I began with. Once I finished crossing things out, I had so few things left on the paper that I looked through the list twice trying to revive a few of them, but the results were honest.
The one thing made very clear by the list I created was that I’ve had a lot going on in life since February. I also found that it wasn’t even a result of bad events occurring, it was more so events that although were enjoyable, proved themselves to be unnecessary and unbeneficial. That’s when it hit me. I had overspent myself in so many people, places, and things and not even to my own benefit. I had burned myself out. It’s July so I get it, many of us get a little mentally fatigued by this time of year, but I wasn’t even mentally fatigued for my own good which BLEW. MY. MIND.
So you see, it wasn’t my answer to the question that stopped working to motivate me, but all the additional things I added to my answer on the account of someone else. My best friend wrote a very powerful couple of words as a status the other day that read: Make a plan and stick to it. The frump I was in was a result of me forgetting that very important statement. My answer to the question is my plan and I started to let people change that plan. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not one to question or challenge God because we all know he has the master plan, but He is the only one I need to alter the plan.
Sometimes we think that as long as what we do for others is good and helpful then we’re doing the right thing no matter what effect is has on us in the end. Honestly, we’re doing a good thing, but that doesn’t always mean it is the right thing for us to do. I had to come to that realization yesterday. If it were up to me, I would do anything I could for the people who care for me, but that’s just not the way things work. I have to do what I can when I can in the ways that work best for me and my plan.
I had to remember that I have to come before everything else.
My peace, my passion, my happiness has to come before everything else… for when I’m true to those things, good always follows.
I know it sounds selfish, but don’t think of it that way. The next time you have to ask yourself what the **** you’re doing, really take the time to answer that question. Make sure that whatever the answer is, it is true and honest to what you want to do. I want to encourage you to make the plan to achieve that and STICK TO IT. Don’t burn yourself out unless it is in the efforts to make yourself as happy as you can possibly be.
We’re in this together. Thanks for listening.