This is my fault..
I asked for this. You never led me to believe that you wanted to have a baby, right? That was my idea. Even though we learned very early on that unprotected sex causes reproduction. I should have been more careful. You didn’t give me a reason to feel like we had something special because you never called me your “girlfriend,” right? How dare I even think that any of the time we spent together–which was a lot, by the way–was anything more than a time for meaningless sex, to include the times that we didn’t even have sex. Silly me. Clearly I was delusional about the whole thing–my bad. Now, that I think about it… there are a lot of things I could have done, also things I should have done… and a few things I want to apologize for. After all, you are the Guiltless Baby Daddy in this whole situation. Let’s get into it.
I’m sorry my body was good enough to sleep with, but my womb wasn’t good enough to carry your child in.
I realize that I didn’t make you see how powerful a woman can be. That is my fault and I apologize. I think the problem was that even I had forgotten how precious my body was. I shared it with you thinking that you appreciated it for what it was, yes, but I forgot about the power that resided in my womb. If I would have noticed that you only appreciated my body and not my womb, I wouldn’t have allowed you to play with it the way you did.
I’m sorry I was strong enough to give birth to my child even though you encouraged me not to.
As much as you may not think so, I’m strong. It’s my fault that I didn’t make sure you knew this. If I would have made sure you knew how strong I was, you wouldn’t have asked me to abort the greatest blessing God can give us. That is my fault and I apologize. You see, if I would have made sure you knew my strength, I might have dodged the bullet that is you altogether. If you would have known the nature of my strength you wouldn’t have assumed I was so weak-willed and you may have never felt comfortable indulging in me in the first place.
I’m sorry I was able to transform for my life for my child and you weren’t able to do the same.
One of the first things you did when we spoke last was recount my demons, of course failing to mention those of your own. I did; I had a lot of vices and made some poor choices. That is my fault and I apologize. The thing about my demons though, is that I never hid them from you and the most important thing about my demons is that I no longer fall weak to them. Our child changed all of that for me. I really mean it when I say she transformed me. I am not at all the same person I used to be. Every time I look at her, I want to be as perfect to her as she is to me. If you would have cared to meet her, you might have accepted that same goal.
I could have spoken badly of you, but instead I refrained from speaking of you at all.
You don’t believe me, do you? Well it’s true. “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” That transformation I just told you about really is real. I could have found a lot of bad things to say about you, but I didn’t do that. Instead, I chose not to focus on you personally. I had to realize and believe that you just don’t know what you’re doing right now. That’s a little bit more of that strength I was telling you about earlier. I mean, I can’t possibly imagine that you would consciously choose not to pursue a relationship with your own child–you’re smarter than that.
I could have allowed this experience to break me, but instead it is my testimony.
Finding out you’re pregnant is scary for any woman, but finding out you’re pregnant and “knowing” your guiltless baby daddy is “innocent” from any wrong doing–sheesh! You don’t know the feeling!
*hold on, our baby is crying. No shade.*
Okay, I’m back. This has been the most terrifying, most fulfilling, and uplifting time of my life. I realized that I could have allowed your absence to discourage me, but instead I focused on God’s very apparent presence in my life and the relationship I was going to build with my child. I gained strength from that. Furthermore, I realized that I wasn’t the only woman out there who felt like this. I realized there were women out there going through this very thing and that my attitude towards my situation could very well help her through this thing. So, thank you for my story.
I should have known you’d run, but asked God to direct your path.
The man is very weak–and by man I mean the common human, so relax. We all fall short of the Glory of God. We all sin. We all do things we aren’t supposed to do. We are one in the same there–although you seem to think differently. So, I don’t know why I was shocked that you’d run when I told you I was pregnant. Even though I knew you’d run, I should have asked God to direct your path. As I mentioned earlier, I recognize your ignorance. I shouldn’t have been so worried about you in the physical and sought out God to move in your life spiritually.
I should have known you’d be scared, but asked God to give you comfort.
I was terrified. Why on Earth would I think that you’d feel any different? You won’t admit it, but I know that you were and still are scared. I should have asked God to make you fearless. I should have prayed for your strength. I should have asked God to comfort you and show you that He is in control of all things. Had I been sensitive to the fact that you were nowhere near as strong as I am, I would have known that the right thing for me to do for you was to pray for your strength and for God to show you that HE is the only thing you should fear.
I should have known you wouldn’t know how to respond, but listened for God’s answer–not yours.
My biggest fault is that I should have never looked for your response. I should have only focused on hearing a word from God. Better yet, I should have acknowledged how many answers he had already given me. There are so many people who love that little girl for no reason at all. There are so many people who have loved and encouraged me through what could have been a really, really horrible time in my life. Bottom line is that I shouldn’t have worried about what you would say to me or about me. I shouldn’t have worried about whether or not you’d want to be there. I should have just listened for what God needed me to hear and watched for what God needed me to see.
I should be happy that I was able to admit and apologize for all of these things… and I AM.
I finally got to a point where I am able to admit my faults and apologize for these things. I didn’t need to tell you that this wasn’t going to be a letter filled with hateful words because I have no need for them. I forgive you and I’ll make sure our daughter knows that you were ‘guiltless and ignorant’ so that she doesn’t think it’s her fault. I realize that you feel guiltless in all of this and for now I can only charge that to your ignorance. When you’re able to find the strength, wisdom, and spirituality that I’ve had the pleasure of finding… you’ll know what to say.