Today’s entry will be an extra special one. Although it’s been a while now, a dear friend of mine sent me a request that read:
“Baby girl, can you do a piece on trying to be celibate and dating in today’s world? As a God-fearing woman, this poses a lot of difficulties because a lot of men–while they may respect what you are trying to do–won’t venture into this with you because they want a woman that will have sex with them. I find this interesting and want to know if other people have tried this and found the same difficulties; say they could do it, but never tried; or would never do it because it would never work. How hard is it to encounter a successful relationship if you’re celibate?”
Not that we should need any type of validation for not wanting to have sex or have to explain the reasons thereof, but still we allow the way people react to the decision to make us feel like we need to. Celebrities such as Lady Gaga, Tamera Mowry-Housley, Meagan Good, Terrance Howard, Tim Tebow and plenty others have all publicly shared vows of celibacy with their fans. Whether it’s for one day, one year, or until marriage–celibacy may be a better decision than many of us are making.
I love the way my friend broke down the three types of mindsets that are taken in the thought of celibacy: Those who have tried it and found the same difficulties; those who say they could do it, but never tried; and those who wouldn’t even try because they know it wouldn’t work. Chances are that you fall in one of the three previously mentioned. As you know, I do my best to only speak from a personal viewpoint. With that, I would identify with the second mindset. Recently, I’ve found that I am in such a different place in my life than I used to be. Just like when I ventured into vegetarianism, it just started as a personal challenge that ultimately affected my life so positively that I made it a lifestyle change. You know that I love challenges and I don’t see this as any different. From now on, I’m going to remove sexual relations from my lifestyle. I cannot speak on for how long, but if I know myself the way I know I do–things should last a while. However, I won’t know until I try.
My sexual habits slowed down TREMENDOUSLY since moving to New York City. It’s kind of weened me from thinking it’s a must in my life. So just like when I encourage people to try vegetarianism, it isn’t something you do ‘cold turkey’. Moving to NY was the transitional period I feel. Sure, I slipped into sleeping with an old fling about a month after breaking up with Andre, but do I feel like I need to have sex these days… absolutely not. This DOES NOT mean that masturbation is not an alternative. Let’s be real here, people.
Often times, relationships don’t work out the way we want them to because we offer the goods way too soon, ladies. I’m guilty. It’s okay. There is nothing wrong with really getting to know someone you’re thinking of pursuing or that you are even dating. Being celibate does not mean that a relationship is not obtainable. That’s the misunderstanding that most of us have now. We feel like if we don’t offer the sex, we won’t get the connection or the relationship.
You know I’m never trying to call you out or put the blame on you. I think that if we choose to challenge ourselves to this, we may find that we really like the end results. Not having sex will allow me to work on connecting intimately with others through the mind and spirit which is often done far too late, if not at all. Recently though, I can say that most men have grown so attracted to my state of mind and inner peace. Another reason this decision seems so easy to work on is because I have found beauty and fulfillment in my life through my passion, so I don’t have to look for fulfillment or a void for my emotions anywhere else–like in men for sex–which most of us have a tendency to do.
There are several reasons that could make a person take a vow of celibacy. Religious reasons, being fed up with meaningless relationships, or wanting to connect with your inner-self. I’m not saying these are the only reasons, but they are pretty common reasons to at least try celibacy on for size. If you find it’s not something you can manage, so-be-it. I know it’s a lot easier to try when you’re not trying alone, so we’ll do it together. Think of it as a diet. Sex is whatever food you shouldn’t eat, that you eat way too much of–for me, cheese. We’re going on a diet. You’ll find that the less you indulge, the easier staying away will be. This means you cannot say you’re not going to have sex for a while, but then put yourself in positions or situations that will provoke the act. Also, give yourself incentives to stick with it. Most of the people that I know who choose to refrain from giving their bodies, don’t have to deal with broken hearts or hurt feelings half as much as the average woman. Again, I’m not saying it has to be until your married, but at least until you can connect on a completely different level with someone that doesn’t have to begin with a connection of the body.
Another thing to prepare yourself for is the negative feedback people are likely to give you when you share your new challenge. I know there are people reading this right now and have already written my success off. GOOD RIDDANCE to those types of people. You want to surround yourself with people who support your decision and will help you stay true to what you’re trying to do. The dating world will seem scarce, if not non-existent. I have faith, though, that not all men think sex is a must right now. You’re going to have to use good judgment and know that you’re trying to connect with someone, yes, but don’t lie to yourself about how someone feels about you either. As much as we may not think it would happen, people lie and manipulate to get what they want. You will have to get used to being around, dealing with, and loving yourself. We read it all the time on meme’s “we accept the love we think we deserve”. What kind of love is it that you deserve?
I say it every time someone asks me what advice I would give my younger self and my answer always remains the same:
“You’re someone’s dream girl. The way you look, talk, act, walk is perfect to someone out there in this world. Always remember that. Until you find him or her, be your own dream girl. Take care of yourself now the way you would if you found the person of your dreams already. Once you find and RECOGNIZE the true value in yourself, you will not allow that to be diminished, unappreciated, or unexpected from anything or anyone you come up against.”
“Clink, Clink.” Here’s to sipping more wine, dancing more freely, and feeling so damn good about being ourselves, ladies. Ciara had the right idea…