Dear Men: So You’ve Got Commitment Issues?


Dear Men,

Yesterday I was included in a conversation that, honestly, I wish I hadn’t been involved with–nevertheless, someone made a comment that all women when put in the right scenario can be ‘taken down’. Taken down, of course, meaning boned. When asked to agree, I couldn’t. Hear me when I say, loyalty does not depend on an opportunity. It’s either you’re loyal or you’re not. She’s down for you or she isn’t. There is no in between or conditional circumstances. We’re going to look at this thing from two different perspectives because although this is a ‘Dear Men’ topic. I’ve gotta let my ladies in on this as well. Shall we?

Now, let’s start with the simple fact that when choosing to make her your girlfriend, you should already trust that her loyalty is with you. There is no question as to when she is going to hold you down. When you feel that way, it makes committing to her much easier. Whether you’re right or wrong in something when she’s loyal–she’ll be there. You’ll get cussed out real good, I’m sure… but she’ll be there to let you know you were wrong and how to fix things. If she goes out with her friends, she can politely turn someone down instead of being the girl we talked about in The Thirst who just gives her number away not to be rude. If you go through her phone (which I don’t advise, but still some of you do) you wouldn’t find any dirt or sneakiness. If you have to question your girls’ loyalty, it’s probably not there. I get that there are some people who feel, “you cheated, so I can..” or things along the lines of that, but I don’t believe in tit-for-tat so even if wrong were done to me I’m not gonna go and try to hurt you back just for the sake of it. Kindness is the best killer. It takes maturity to be able to think that way though.

When you want each other, the other people don’t matter. Temptation can be avoided and you learn the beauty in self control. Reciprocating action is always easier than feeling like you’re giving more of yourself than the other person is. If you’re truly with someone you want, no circumstance will alter their loyalty. If your girl has to be in front of you at all times to be trusted. She’s not loyal and she’s not worth keeping around. You don’t have anything without trust. Now, if your trust issues are derived from insecurities within yourself, you’re probably in the wrong. I know sometimes when a person is insecure they just automatically assume the worst without realizing she’s really not doing anything wrong. That’s a separate issue that you’ll need to handle or you won’t be able to be in a working relationship, period.

Ok, so this is one way we’re looking at things. From the perspective of her being loyal or not; now, let’s flip things a little.

You’re loyalty is just as important as hers. I know the argument is generally that you and your penis think differently, but that’s bullshxt. I don’t care how much cat is being thrown at you.. none of it is worth losing a loyal woman. That’s hard to find these days, gents! In the midst of the initial conversation this whole topic started from, we had a side conversation on thinking after you act. Most times you end up losing a great thing over something that you could have done without. We tried to figure out if you all make the choices and take the chances you do based on masculinity, just to see if you can hit it, or because you’re trying to prove a point to yourself or someone else. Me personally, I’m feeling like it’s a combination of all three, but what do I know? Whatever the reason, loyalty cannot be controlled circumstantially.

Commitment is hard work. It is not easy, but it is worth it. The more I learn and experience this, the more I write it. It’s absolutely true. Another huge factor to consider is where you met her, how you met her, and what kind of things went on when you did meet her. I’ll be honest, if you met her and had sex with her hours later… she probably can’t be trusted as far as you can throw her–and neither can you for that matter. I mean think about it, you really think she was ‘saving herself’ for a one night stand with you? Somebody was there prior. Girls are more promiscuous than you might think, especially the more this ‘independent, heartless woman’ epidemic arises.

If you’re with someone, be with them. When you both want each other unconditionally, for no reason should you be willing to give that person up due to a lack of loyalty. I’m sure you’ll regret it. As I mentioned in today’s TGC Daily, a person who is committed to someone is a very desirable characteristic when you want that, but don’t have it. Strangers and dear friends may be guilty of finding ways to make sure your happiness is either their’s or over with. When her homegirl wants to ‘talk things out’ with you about the big fight you and your girl just had–don’t do it. The only person you need to be talking to about that is her. When you get upset with her, don’t go out drinking with your friends to have the excuse to do something stupid. Don’t go airing your dirty laundry on social media looking for a shoulder to cry on or a cat to lay in because you’ll surely find it and you’ll ruin a good thing all for 30 minutes of fun.

Try incorporating commitment into your growth this year. True loyalty and commitment is a beautiful thing when you find it. Here’s to sticking things out.

From me to you,