breaking your heart, man sitting in front of window looking down

I’m not going to apologize. I won’t do it.

I mean that in the healthiest way possible, but I’m not going to apologize for breaking your heart. Things started out really great and I promise you, when I expressed my love for you when I did, that was my honest truth at that point in our journey, but somewhere down the line that feeling started to fade and I knew I had to let you go. You see, at the end of the day, it was either your heart or mine to be broken—and it wasn’t fair to either of us for me not to choose myself.

If I wouldn’t have broken your heart, I would have been giving you the lesser version of me. I would have given you the ‘me’ that doesn’t smile with my whole face. I would have given you the ‘me’ that chuckles instead of ugly laughs. I would have given you the ‘me’ that secretly wanted to be elsewhere. I would have given you the ‘me’ that couldn’t give you what you truly deserved—limitless, unconditional love.

I know that sounds really horrible, but it’s my honest truth. I’m a woman who thrives off of passion and when there’s no passion, it shows all over me. I can’t fake it. That’s why I had to let you go. I couldn’t half-love you. We both deserve better than that. While it might be hard to understand, I broke your heart for the betterment of us both.

The person I was just a few years back would have never broken your heart, but I would have sold us both short in the long run. Back then, my priority was to make sure that my partner was 100% fulfilled in our relationship. In turn, I often forgot to make sure that I was also being 100% fulfilled. That doesn’t mean that I ever expected a perfect relationship and I still don’t to this day, but I didn’t look at my unhappiness or dissatisfaction as a reason to end a relationship. I just charged it to “doing what I had to for my partner.” As I’ve grown older and wiser, I’ve learned not to do that anymore. I now know that my happiness is, in fact, even more, important than my partner’s… and that’s why I had to break your heart.

There was nothing that tore me apart more than knowing that you were still so happy being with me even though I wasn’t giving you my best self. It convicted me. It made me feel like I was taking a huge part of your experience with true love away—and I didn’t want to do that. If I wouldn’t have broken your heart, we’d still be together experiencing a one-sided perfect love and we both deserve better.

I hate that I hurt you, but I’m not going to apologize for breaking your heart.

Read more Goddess Column content from Isis on Thought Catalog.